ALT-REYT: An introduction
As a fine, upstanding, respected news institution, we at Jarred Up always endeavour to respect all political ideologies. As such, when we were contacted by a man referring to himself only as the leader of the ‘Alt-Reyt’, we felt duty bound to publish his communications with his.
He promises a continual supply of groundbreaking, explosive articles, which expose the lies of the Sheffield deep-state, and reveal what exactly they are hiding from us.
This is his first communication.
Sheffield.
It is a city synonymous with many beautiful and magnificent concepts.
Steel.
The Penny Black.
Dejphon Chansiri.
Massive health issues.
And, above all, hills.
Oh, Sheffield’s hills.
What wondrous things.
Walking up them, walking down them, walking across the slight plateau at the top before walking down them (but after walking up them).
I genuinely can’t think of anything more fun and enjoyable. I could (and have) spent countless hours walking up and down the various hills in the city, merrily marching to my heart’s content.
So when I heard what the woke had planned for our beautiful hills, oh my dear truth-seekers, I was incensed.
Horrified.
You see, it has come to my attention that certain leftists in the city are plotting to flatten our hills.
Believe me when I say, this is the single most dangerous thing that could happen to Sheffield. When the inevitable nuclear war occurs between ourselves and our Lancashire and Midlands neighbours, the only thing that will prevent us Sheffielders being overrun by red-rosed and yam-yam swine will be our enhanced stamina, and our well defined calves. Truly, our leg muscles mirror the steel that runs through our veins. Our lower legs shall be the deciding factor in the battle for Northern supremacy.
And so, the evil plan reveals itself.
By flattening our hills, the woke leftists who secretly run this city clearly want to weaken our calves, to allow them to atrophy and decay.
They wish to slow us down, to make us anemic, to stop us from being able to run away, to allow us to be easily captured, so they can subject us to the ULEZ vaccine, or their political-correctness mind virus
Will we truly let these flattened pinkos remove the very heart of Sheffield? To take that which we hold most dear
I say no.
That is why I am embarking on an anti-flattening movement. A heightening crusade. I have collected bags of gravel over my years of service in this great country, and I have begun re-hilling our beautiful city. A little gravel here, and little dirt there, and soon we shall terraform this land.
We must take back control of our calves, we must seize back our hills, and we once again take Sheffield to new heights (and, subsequently, lows).
Viva Sheffield, Viva Hills!
This content is purely satire & should be viewed as such
